My kid and my farts will get me in trouble
2021-05-23 Comments
My daughter has just turned 3 and is a funny little thing. She has moments of silliness with doing funny walks, singing her own songs in a made-up language, narrating everything she sees and, at times, being a total drama queen!
I can see a couple of these traits getting me into some tricky situations. Take the other week, I wanted to make use of the sunshine (whilst we have it, after all this is the UK). So, I took my daughter to the local playground for her to run around and to have some fun. At one stage I put her in the baby/toddler swings. She normally insists on facing a certain direction which faces away from the playground and no matter the reasoning, she gets her way - to face the sun. On this particular day she decided to sit the other way around to face the playground. As I was pushing her she was shouting out “smelly feet” and pointing towards a woman on the bench. The mum next to us, who was pushing her son, looked. As I located where my daughter was pointing and shouting excitedly, I noticed the woman on the bench had taken her bare feet out and planted them on top of her shoes, whilst she was talking on her mobile phone. The mum next to us, realised too and stifled a laugh. I bent down and said to my daughter “OK sweetheart, no need to tell everyone”. Luckily, the woman on the bench was too engrossed in conversation to hear what was being said.
On the very same day, in the afternoon I took her to the shops and on the way back a woman with a walking stick was walking towards us on a particularly tight bit of pavement. As she approached she mumbled something to me, not realising what she was saying I just smiled and nodded. Then I looked down to check on my daughter only to catch her doing one of her silly walks, pointing her foot inwards and stiffening the other leg. By this time the woman had already walked past. It was most likely she was complaining that my cheeky monkey was mocking her! She’s going to get me in big trouble one of these times.
Apart from pointing out the obvious in a very loud way, my daughter plays up on camera and acts up in some situations. I may have mentioned that she has a flair for the dramatic...just like her father. In other words, a big time drama queen! My husband and I have had several exchange of views on this matter and I think my case is stronger where she gets her embellishments from. Here’s a major example about my husband, when settling down to sleep. Granted, I might have cold feet nine times out of ten in the evening - or in my husband’s words “icicle feet’ which apparently when they happen to brush past his feet or legs, give him “frostbite”. That’s right...drama queeeeen. Anyways, to demonstrate a situation when she put on a display of her acting skills: the other night I was reading a bedtime book to her. She was on my lap and when I leant my chin on her forehead, it felt a bit warm. So I asked my husband to bring out the contactless thermometer just to check whether she was okay. At the mention of the thermometer she promptly began to cough, just once, at first. As my husband came into the room she looked up and coughed a bit more. We discussed giving her some medicine and she nodded excitedly, eyes wide, breaking into a big grin and coughing exaggeratedly.
Another thing my daughter likes to do is point out every time either one of us (including herself) farts. I can’t think where she got that from? She did it to me once, when we were walking in the local park. I had to look around to see if anyone was nearby and then told her that she didn’t have to announce it, every time.
As part of pointing out things, she likes to narrate what people are doing. From our kitchen window, which overlooks the street below, she likes to point out who’s walking by and makes observations on who’s on a scooter. Which is promptly followed by “he” or “she”, “poo’d into the toilet”. Here's a bit of background leading to this comment. In our tried and tested methods of coaxing our child to wee and poo in the potty (and toilet) we used a system of rewards. There were the stars (silver for wee and gold for poo’s) successfully each time she used the potty. Then there was the Happy jar, which contained treats once she completed the chart. To escalate the rewards for the transition to using the toilet, we told her if she completed the chart in gold stars for poo’ing in the toilet, then she would receive a scooter. Which she earnt in due course. So, now when she see’s someone who dashes past on a scooter she will yell at the top of her voice “Mummy, that” boy/girl/lady or man “went poo in the toilet!”. Having the reward system worked out well for us, however, we hadn't accounted for the side effects of it backfiring on us.
Just a last thing on our family’s gas habits where she’s picked up descriptions from us and happily repeats at the top of her voice. There’s been several times where the intensity of one of my husband’s flatulence has virtually filled the room and I’ve been known to make comments when the stink hits my nostrils. I usually tell him that his “guts are broken” or “guts have fallen out”, such is the swampiness that strangles the air. Then there are times when my husband teases me when I let some squeaky rips, by calling out “quack quack”. It should come as no surprise, when I had a quiet blow-off and she caught the whiff that my daughter, on covering her nose with her hand, mumbled “Phoooooey, broken guts”. A couple of times she made the comment “quack, quack” after a particular high pitched gust of wind. Luckily, she hasn’t pointed out people’s farts outside of the family unit - yet.
One time, when our neighbour came round to pick up a parcel we’d collected for them, I was unable to withhold a sudden urge of gas and it came out as a small whistle. My husband put it down to our daughter and called her name. Since he made the point of it, I stayed quiet and our daughter took the rap for me. She was an absolute angel, she just looked up at him and didn’t say a word.
Funny how we can use our kids as a “get out of jail” card. Just the other day a similar situation cropped up when my sister, her husband and my nephew came over. Just as they were leaving, my sister went to use the bathroom leaving her husband and my nephew standing at the main door. I was approaching them along the corridor carrying my daughter when I was hit with a savoury smelling stench. There was no let up, it filled the end of the corridor. So I asked jokingly who let the fart off. My brother in law paused before saying “Oh, it must have been Jack. He’s been known to let off the silent and deadly ones”. At that moment, my nephew was out of view behind his dad putting his shoes on and hadn’t heard what was said. Then my daughter - who didn’t realise about the fart either - made a face as the smell hit her and wrinkled her nose before putting her hand up to her nostrils. “Phew” she started saying, “who dropped the guts?”. I chuckled a bit and let the matter slide, side-stepping into my daughter’s room and waited until the air cleared a bit before seeing them off. Did I mention that we are classy and cultured people around here?